This was originally going to be my post yesterday but I got caught up in all of the nostalgia about CUP and so such, and it was more fun to tell that story then what follows and it all didn’t really go together so…
Plus, I value your time & attention. Thanks for reading.
When last we checked in on Brian’s brain (Brain’s brian?), he was in a full-tilt oscillating free-fall known as the Wunderbare Weltanschauung. Troo nuff, in typical fashion, it left yon author lying in the gutters and trying to visit all the stars & planets in one orgasmic pudding of experience. He’s been a miserable sod, as any long time reader here can attest. Histoire Vrai: while everyone was oohing and ahhing over a co-worker’s recent birth of a baby, my muddled mind muttered maligned mots such as “crotch fruit” and “great, another gaping suckhole on a planet stretched to its finite resources”. I did say in my previous post that I do have passionate, rutting affairs with Aunite Natal Ism.
But bitching and bitching and bitching yet again are repeated patterns, noise-to-noise ratios, and fecund with bad thoughts, reinforcing the negative self-images I hold in my brain as well as the double depression.(“It’s two *clink* two *clink* two depressions-in-one!)
So yeah, there’s that constantly running in my head. I’ve been near to broken by it and, because those sorts of thoughts, feelings, and emotions can give one such a dim view of life, the universe, and everything including the future, it becomes hard to focus on improving my lot.
I have some very good and friendly friends who are unshelfish with their words & advice. I appreciate those folks and their input — especially yours — gives me nice fuzzy warm feelings that I’m not an untalented and feckless pile of flesh. However, I have a lot of things which make people seek me out in some capacity. Obviously, there’s something there that is felt by others but I haven’t quite figured out what it is, because depression lies and anxiety always leaves you with the tab.
What I have figured out is the following:
- I’m almost 48; I’m not getting any younger,
- I lack structure in my life,
- I am not as creative as I would like to be,
- I’m not as healthy as I would like to be,
- I’m not working a job that is personally enriching,
- Inertia hasn’t netted positive results yet
Those are a lot of bugs that I need to fix, and my inclination is to see everything there as a large monolith, which means it would look a lot like this:
I'M ALMOST 48 I'M NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER I LACK STRUCTURE IN MY LIFE I AM NOT AS CREATIVE AS I WOULD LIKE TO BE I'M NOT AS HEALTHY AS I WOULD LIKE TO BE I'M NOT WORKING AT JOB THAT IS PERSONALLY ENRICHING INERTIA HASN'T NETTED POSITIVE RESULTS YET OH GOD THE FUTURE IS A BLACK HOLE I AM STUCK I CAN'T MOVE...
Because that’s how my mind works. It wants me to stay within the confines of said inertia and “hope” things get better. Subsisting solely on hope doesn’t get me out of this rut and sorry doesn’t put thumbs on the hand, Marge!
Diligence and patience are what it takes if I want to go forward. I didn’t hit bottom overnight and upgrading my life isn’t going to be instantaneous so it may be a while until I see tangible results.
For now, I need to do the things that need doing.