Checking in…

It’s the Fourth of July and I’m bored (and not particularly patriotic) which means it’s a perfect time to update my readers (both of you). So…

At the start of June, the basement of the house where I was living in flooded, displacing me and my possessions. Luckily for me, my girlfriend swooped in to the rescue (she’s pretty awesome and generous and loving (also, very sexy)) so I’ve been staying at her house. Because I’m all for being fair and helpful, I’ve taken over her house duties as well as cooking and other sundry duties. Since I’m a pretty awesome cook and very industrious, she’s happy with the arrangement as it stands and, well, I’m not one to argue.

A few weeks ago, I moved a ton of logs and probably two tons of rocks for separate projects. That might’ve been a bit too ambitious for my former doughy self because I’ve ended up with a burst Baker’s cyst (yeah, it looks as lovely as it sounds). I didn’t know this right away, I just woke up last week with what I thought was a bad leg cramp. I ended up heading to the ER because my lady was concerned that it was a blood clot, the symptoms can be similar. Thankfully, it wasn’t, just an egg-sized cyst hanging out behind my knee. Woot!

The standup is still going on. I’ve had some good reviews from fellow comics and a couple “You Were Awesome!” comments from audience members. As it stand, I’ll be hosting a comedy night at the end of July. More details as they become tumescent.

This weekend, I’m heading out to camp for a week at a festival. I’m hoping it to be a pretty unique, positive, and profound experience.

I need to write more, I suppose. My brain feels flabby.

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Returning to the Quiet Chair

These last few months have been pretty tumultuous. A lot has gone on, from starting stand up to a new relationship to trying to make it as a freelancer… lots of new experiences and things, mostly high but some lows.

Then the depression came back. For a month or so, I’ve not felt quite right. As best as I can guess, since money is always a concern, I’m constantly tossing figures in my head trying to figure out how to make money so I can cover my bills. Other things, however, like groceries, paying off debts, those have to be in the “That’d Be Nice” pile sometimes. Now, on top of freelancing and other things, I’m looking for a steady job (or a W2 job, as the lady says). The obvious thing to note here is that, in most cases, I’m surviving but I don’t feel like I’m thriving. I started to notice a lot of agitation, coupled with the usual low self-esteem nostalgia that I have always experienced. I’ve been so sexy lately, let me tell you.

I’ve decided to go back into therapy. I realized that my depression and LSE began infecting my work and the stuff I enjoyed. I wasn’t editing my podcast. I wasn’t throwing myself into the creative process of writing or creating jokes. Add into the work I’ve been doing in making myself better mentally so that I don’t drive this incredible woman I have in my life away. I want this to be a healthy relationship, which means I’ve had to confront a lot of Bad Feelings. I’m still poring through them, reassuring myself that it’s not as bad as I think things are. I think maybe having a professional hand in things might keep me from being a weeping cauldron of emotions. If anything, my friends and loved ones would enjoy it.

Stumbling Around Not-So-Blind.

Last week, I wrote a pretty despondent post. After a few hours, I erased it because I was trippin’ balls when I wrote it and a lot of what I wrote was me working through some intense, powerful, and dark feelings about the circumstances around the relationship I have currently. To make a long story short, things are great and what I was processing last week resolved positively and healthily.

As y’all were.

The Dumping This Cognitive Load Blues

Good (morning/afternoon/evening/middle of the night when you can’t sleep because you never know if ninjas are watching you).

Last week at this time, I was a bundle of nerves and adrenaline. Today, I’m still a bundle of nerves and adrenaline but I’ve managed to brush my teeth and shower before a reasonable time so success!

My name is Brian and I’m an amateur local comedian. With determination and great material, I will strive to become a professional local comedian. Who knows? Right now, I’m just having fun. I’m learning to create jokes (as opposed to writing jokes… I’m told that’s the mindset to take). Some of the jokes are funny only to me, while some jokes are funny to others as well as my. I’m an outlier in that I think every-fucking-thing I say is funny.

The trick is not to think about it too much. But that’s what I do. I think. A lot. There’s a lot of time spent in the head. And I’m not just talking about making jokes or writing. When I hop upon an idea, I tend to over-analyze, think, rethink, post-think, etc., things. This leaves me with living in a constant state of confusion, unable to make decisions or choices because, well, it’s just hard.

And then there’s just the utter bliss of being poor in this American moment.

What I am sure is that I’m currently not making a lot of money at the moment. There are a couple freelance gigs that I do but they’re not much in terms of making me tons of money. I can cover my bills and that’s just about it. Anything else, groceries, toiletries, clothes, are considered a very heavy expense at the moment. Which kind of sucks. And since it sucks and I’m always thinking about it, it kills any and all creativity process. Y’see, when you’re worried about where your next paycheck is coming from, it severely restricts the brain. Being poor isn’t exactly a boon to your health but even worse is how poverty changes your brain. Constantly running figures in my head (“If I may $X this week, I can pay my cell phone bill and my internet, but I need some groceries stat…) is a cognitive load that could be freed up for other uses. Then there’s the general existentialism of giving meaning to our lives but still side-eyeing our bank account. Basically, things kind of suck at the moment head-wise.

I don’t like how this feels because it isn’t productive and staunches the creative flow. And when the flow is dammed up by obsessing over the money I have in my bank account, it’s makes it more challenging to create that which, with diligence, lead me to more lucrative projects and not have to fuss so much about the number of pennies in the jar.

None of this goes into the act, of course.

I did research a couple weeks ago for an article on instant ramen I wrote for another site. Though I do have a package of some nummy Nissen noodles, what I found out about what goes into instant ramen is kind of horrorshow. No protein, bad for your heart if you eat it more than once a decade, all sorts of scary things that give me pause when I reach for a pack. One article I found suggested that because instant ramen is so cheap, one could live an entire year on the stuff for just $150. If you can make it the entire year and no drop dead from heart failure, you should qualify for some sort of prize. Like fresh ramen noodles for the rest of your life or something. Or a better healthcare plan because you’re going to need it.

In two weeks, I’ll be doing an actual show. It’ll be the same location and I’ll be doing ten minutes instead of the open mic five minutes. I’m heading out there tonight to watch other comedians perform so I can see how a show runs and get the DVD of my performance last week.

Yeah, I’m on DVD, yo. And I got a show, yo!!

More later. Time for an invigorating game of cerebellum rugby.

I Came, I Saw, I Comedied!

Wednesday night went off pretty much as I had hoped, even better than expected. I didn’t dry (I had words on a note card to jar my memory), I didn’t speed through my act, and I pretty much killed. If were to use a picture to sum it up, it’d be this one.The Author standing triumphant outside Legends Bar.After I got off stage, I got a lot of compliments and feedback from the other comedians there, including a veteran local comic or two who said that I should stick with it. The best part was that the guy who organized the night told me to see him after the show. So I now have a gig lined up for the 25th. I get ten minutes. Time to create more jokes.

It seems I have a good side as a stand up comedian, which I can add to my current gigs as a freelancer and (hope-to-be-published) writer. Things are aligning and I just have to keep at it.

Special shout-out to one of my readers, Lisa. She couldn’t make the gig so she sent me a Doctor Who thermal mug. As far as gifts go, this is awesome! Thanks, Lisa!

Here’s a picture of my mug with my mug.

Dalek t-shirt on point.

Until next time…