There’s a Lot of Work to Be Done

Last Monday, otherwise known in Western Culture as New Year’s Day of 2018/3184, was a rather substantial day for me filled with profound and profoundly positive insights. While I won’t go into the exact details, initiation rites, inciting events, art, monologues, music, etc., it has left me distinctly changed and with a sense of identity.

Such as it is, I have aligned myself with the BeaST, the Magical Orangutan. See below.

One. Our. Kind. A work in progress

Okay, that’s more of a sigil than anything, but it’s my branding and I’m digging it. Oh, and more on the Magical Orangutan idea when I get around to figuring it out myself.

Towards the tail end of 2017, I put in work towards becoming a Chaos Magician. That link will take you to Gordon White, not a definition of CM but it’s as good a place as any to get a looksee. My intent through all of this was to Just Do It, Now or Never, Git’er Done. The years that I’ve spent refusing My True Self, denying doing what I’m doing here in this reality now because it’s all entropy, right? was a belligerent refusal to put in work, or being around people/environments who were receptive to what I wanted to achieve.

I feel a profound sense of freedom from that past as well as a muffling of the Trickster negative voice who always wants to cry Skeptic! Bullshit! Materialism! For long time readers, this is a significant threshold.

However…

I’m not totally solved now, and there is so much more to do. I have rituals to perform, love to make, books to read, minds to peace. But what I do know is this… I write. I write well. I have an nigh endless supply of notebooks, but not infinite. Sitting here writing, journaling to Balinese Gamelan music is what I like doing.

Profoundly positive and profound.

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Notes on a Freezing Tuesday

We’ve arrived on a meta-fictional Tuesday, the day Alabamaniacs choose whether they are pro- or con- child brides. It won’t matter, of course, because the American Empire is collapsing, being flushed down the bog and taking us all with it.

Had a nightmare of a day Monday which snaked its way to a sleepless night into morning. When I did sleep, the dreams were minimal. Mostly, just a TV tuned to a dead station. Back in the old days, before the digital conversion, a dead TV screen was a visual jumble of static, echoes from the Big Bang, aliens, whatever you want to call it. Nowadays, it’s just a blue screen. Where the fuck is the fun in that? Kids these days no longer have the option of straining their ears to listen to “The Voices”.

It’s a cold and blustery 28F today. This isn’t ideal weather to go traipsing out to retrieve your medications from the pharmacy but traipse I did. My body is still defrosting and my brain is somewhere in the mushy netherworld of survival and consciousness. As a result, my head feels like cold turkey fat tastes, which I blame primarily on the lack of sleep. Even hot cocoa is having a hard time removing The Chill.

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On the recommendation of a friend, I watched L’homme du Train the other night. As you might ascertain by the title, it’s a French film. It stars Jean Rochefort and Johnny Hallyday (both of whom recently passed away) as two men who meet by chance. Hallyday, the titular man on the train, has arrived in a small town for a bank heist. Unable to find accommodations, he is taken in by Rochefort, a retired poetry teacher who lives alone in the large house that his mother left to him. Each face a significant event at the end of the week (one, the bank heist, the other, a triple bypass surgery) and each discover that they wish to live each other’s lives. Rocherfort, having always been a teacher and taken the safe way through life, is intrigued by Hallyday’s life. Hallyday, meanwhile, learns to appreciate the subtle charm to Rochefort’s life, one steeped in poetry, nice slippers, and such.

Don’t be fooled by its description as a crime/drama as it belies the fascinating character study that makes this a really enjoyable film.

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The recent news about an oddly-shaped asteroid triggers memories Grant Morrison’s profoundly disturbing series, Nameless. This comic book isn’t for everyone and if ancient horrors, mindless slaughter, non-linear storytelling, and Occult-heavy narrative aren’t your cup of tea, well… fuck it, you need to be unsettled every once in a while. Read it. Is it Oumuamua or is it Xibalba? Only her hairstylist knows for sure.

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Over the weekend, I went to see my mates’ band play at the Southgate House Revival. They were fucking great, as always, but aside from documenting some of the bathroom graffiti and such, I managed to snap this picture. Here’s looking at you, Newport, KY.

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What a week, eh?

I don’t often shy away from the occasional political comment on here, however, nothing that I could say hasn’t been said by better people with my eyeballs on their writing. What happened last week in Charlottesville — an act of domestic terrorism perpetrated by — let’s not mince words — Nazi, White Supremacist, Trump Supporters, polo-shirted Tiki-bearing Guys Next Door, the jackbooted agitators and survivalist groups. Yes, you can lump them all together; it’d be the quickest Venn Diagram. Just one circle with the word “Racist”.

Anyway, these are the times when we reach for our bibles. Mine happens to be The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Grab whatever you need and let’s meet up next time.

It’s All Thursday Up In Here!

A couple of things as we slouch towards the weekend…

  1. Recently, I’ve started drinking sparkling water, thanks in part to my friend, David, who drinks it himself. David is cool beyond coolness and I like being around him. I don’t drink sugary drinks or sodas, which means I’m usually drinking water, unsweetened tea, or coffee, when I’m not drinking a fine IPA. I like it. It’s refreshing and a jump up from the usual tap water I drink. Hydration is good!
  2. Speaking of David, he and another friend recommended a book to me: Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Activity by Dave Allen. I’m not a huge self-help book reader (except for Chris Hardwick‘s The Nerdist Way which is an excellent book, especially if you’re in the nerd:geek range of the social spectrum). A huge problem I have is, well, getting things done, by which I mean getting something out of my head so that it can stop taking up space. Even more, I suffer from the inability to break down a thing into manageable parts. While I’m only a few chapters in, I am learning some very useful tools for getting shit out of my head and onto paper, thus, freeing my brain to actually do things and, say it with me, Madge, get things done. Yay productivity!
  3. Speaking of productivity, I’ve been working through some web programming tutorials like nobody’s business. I’ve signed up for a few courses with Udemy, including their Web Programming Bootcamp, and am supplementing it with the HTML/CSS course over on Code Academy. My plan to make beautiful webpages is coming to fruition. Learning is Fun!
  4. Sometimes I like to have music on when I’m working on web code or when I’m writing. Lately, I’ve been varying between chiptune and nerdcore (parents, ask your kids). Recently, I fumbled onto a rock/chiptune band called I Fight Dragons, especially the song “KABOOM!”. I’m a sucker for a good rock tune accompanied by 8-bit music.
  5. Finally, a huge shout out to reddit user BorisCJ. After I posted my little story the other day about creating a BASIC computer program to get me out of having to actually handwrite 100 sentences, I remembered an FoxTrot comic strip that had a similar theme. If you’ve never read FoxTrot… what’s wrong with you?!… it’s not your typical family-based comic strip.
    Having no luck with a Google, Bing, DuckDuckGo, etc., I even considered pestering the strip’s creator, Bill Amend, to see if he could recall it. Forgoing that, I instead made a post in the FoxTrot reddit group. That’s where the most helpful BorisCJ managed to track down the very comic in question. Thanks!

    Published 09/18/1994. Copyright FoxTrot,© Bill Amend 2017

Doin’ sumfin’ ’bout it!

This was originally going to be my post yesterday but I got caught up in all of the nostalgia about CUP and so such, and it was more fun to tell that story then what follows and it all didn’t really go together so…

Plus, I value your time & attention. Thanks for reading.

When last we checked in on Brian’s brain (Brain’s brian?), he was in a full-tilt oscillating free-fall known as the Wunderbare Weltanschauung. Troo nuff, in typical fashion, it left yon author lying in the gutters and trying to visit all the stars & planets in one orgasmic pudding of experience. He’s been a miserable sod, as any long time reader here can attest. Histoire Vrai: while everyone was oohing and ahhing over a co-worker’s recent birth of a baby, my muddled mind muttered maligned mots such as “crotch fruit” and “great, another gaping suckhole on a planet stretched to its finite resources”. I did say in my previous post that I do have passionate, rutting affairs with Aunite Natal Ism.

But bitching and bitching and bitching yet again are repeated patterns, noise-to-noise ratios, and fecund with bad thoughts, reinforcing the negative self-images I hold in my brain as well as the double depression.(“It’s two *clink* two *clink* two depressions-in-one!)

“What Is Dysthymia Called Loathe?” as Cole Porter never wrote.

So yeah, there’s that constantly running in my head. I’ve been near to broken by it and, because those sorts of thoughts, feelings, and emotions can give one such a dim view of life, the universe, and everything including the future, it becomes hard to focus on improving my lot.

I have some very good and friendly friends who are unshelfish with their words & advice. I appreciate those folks and their input — especially yours — gives me nice fuzzy warm feelings that I’m not an untalented and feckless pile of flesh. However, I have a lot of things which make people seek me out in some capacity. Obviously, there’s something there that is felt by others but I haven’t quite figured out what it is, because depression lies and anxiety always leaves you with the tab.

What I have figured out is the following:

  • I’m almost 48; I’m not getting any younger,
  • I lack structure in my life,
  • I am not as creative as I would like to be,
  • I’m not as healthy as I would like to be,
  • I’m not working a job that is personally enriching,
  • Inertia hasn’t netted positive results yet

Those are a lot of bugs that I need to fix, and my inclination is to see everything there as a large monolith, which means it would look a lot like this:

I'M ALMOST 48 I'M NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER I LACK STRUCTURE IN MY LIFE I AM NOT AS CREATIVE AS I WOULD LIKE TO BE I'M NOT AS HEALTHY AS I WOULD LIKE TO BE I'M NOT WORKING AT JOB THAT IS PERSONALLY ENRICHING INERTIA HASN'T NETTED POSITIVE RESULTS YET OH GOD THE FUTURE IS A BLACK HOLE I AM STUCK I CAN'T MOVE...

Because that’s how my mind works. It wants me to stay within the confines of said inertia and “hope” things get better. Subsisting solely on hope doesn’t get me out of this rut and sorry doesn’t put thumbs on the handMarge!

So I’m making small improvements towards addressing the above. I’m not being creative? Then I can write more blog posts. I’m also sliding back into podcasting. Naturally, it’ll be Doctor Who based because, c’mon, guys, it’s me. I lack structure? Thankfully, I’ve got a nifty Google calendar on my phone that allows me to set appointments, to know when bills are due, and to remind me to do things daily like meditate or go for a walk. As for that job? I’ve committed myself to relearning HTML before conquering CSS, and Javascript so that I can make beautiful webpages for fun & profit.

Diligence and patience are what it takes if I want to go forward. I didn’t hit bottom overnight and upgrading my life isn’t going to be instantaneous so it may be a while until I see tangible results.

For now, I need to do the things that need doing.

 

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