We can look at ourselves as being the beneficiary of random events, that the whorls and waves of our everyday consciousness seemingly mingle with others’ everyday consciousness just by random happenstance. Or perhaps we’re fated to do the things we do in this reality, that our every step has been predetermined and we’re merely playing a role. I prefer the field in the middle, maybe it’s fate, maybe it’s chaos. Coincidences happen and some define that as synchronicity. Fated Chaos?
Nah, that sounds silly. In truth, we do have bodily limitations so there is an aspect of fate involved. However, there are those brilliant chunks of oddness that drop through the ceiling and that’s what we call Life. I’m woolgathering on this, folks, so be patient here.
Lately, I’ve taken the path toward Chaos Magic — as has well been documented already. The downside to this is that I’ve slacked off practice, reading, and writing these things out because, damnit, I lost a job again.
Yep. No employment right now and there’s been this rock on my head, a gigantic granite Should rock, squishing out the good feelings and aspirations for this year of our Lady Discord 3184. I should’ve known Eris might take a whack at my metaphorical shins and I didn’t prepare but, oh well, here we are. There’s an enormous sense of responsibility that I feel to find something, to Pay My Way in this horrible late-stage Capitalism Hell we’re suffering. There’s a lingering Calvinist tumor that hasn’t been scooped out of my head, no matter how many times I’ve tried to carve it out through meditation, exercise, ritual, or dance.
It’s not as if lack of employment has taken off with my sense of identity. I was never My Job. If anything, I’m defined by how I live, not from where I draw a paycheck. What defines me, then, has to come from a deeper concept than that. I write, I have fun, I very much value fun, I love to learn new things, I eat, sleep, masturbate way too much for a man my age, goof around on the Internet, do things that amaze my friends and family, and, for right now, am looking for that happy medium between career and life (however that is defined by me and me alone).
This has to be leading somewhere. My hope, my desire, and my goal is to make it a magical journey in every sense. The tools I need are both within me and without me. Magic and Creativity are the paths I take from this point, then. As ol’ Aleister Crowley put it:
One must find out for oneself, and make sure beyond doubt, who one is, what one is, why one is […] Being thus conscious of the proper course to pursue, the next thing is to understand the conditions necessary to following it out. After that, one must eliminate from oneself every element alien or hostile to success, and develop those parts of oneself which are specially needed to control the aforesaid conditions. (Magick, Liber ABA, Book 4)
What this means is, I cannot fall back on just blazing up and playing Skyrim all day, though that’s not a bad way to spend a day. Nor does it mean that I have to settle for a menial job that keeps me just above broke, unable to pay off debts that I’ve accrued these last few years, and surly at having sold myself for so cheap.
This path requires enormous will and responsibility on my part. I will need strength, conscience, and humor to guide me through this.
Am I going to be that guy? Or am I fated to remain in this life of quiet desperation awaiting in fear of the next pitfall? These are questions that cannot be answered in a single blog post. If I’m honest with myself, there’s a softness to my resolve. That needs to go away. Challenges can’t just slide by with me cowering under a blanket.