I See Nuzzink!

Change is a part of life. Change is life itself. If I’ve been trying to hold on too long to a moment, to a place, even to my… friends, well… then I’ve been guilty of… holding my world in stasis… of not trying new things and letting myself… grow. Then you run the risk of just doing what’s expected of you. Of looking at yourself in the mirror and seeing nothing
Or you can experiment, take a risk. Honor the familiar with one last hurrah, perhaps. Then leave the familiar behind. And go forward, into the future.

— Paul Cornell, Doctor Who: The Third Doctor. “The Heralds of Destruction” #5

Hello. My name is Brian. I’m in my mid-40’s and I still enjoy reading comic books. But just, the old favorites eh?

It’s been a while since I’ve written here so it’s best to get you up to date: Absolutely nothing has changed. I’m still mostly struggling, I’m still fighting a double-dose of depression, and I find my odd, Bohemian lifestyle not so much interesting as decrepit. It seems I’ve spent the last few years recapturing moments from my lost youth, a time when I became a young husband and father, as all of my current friends were sowing oats, wild, machine cut, or otherwise. With sugar, naturellement.

If we move the Time Scope about twenty years, oats are good but are high in carbs, my friends have settled down, passed away, or disappeared into the past memories. Meanwhile, muggins is working a tolerable job for not a lot of pay, living in someone else’s house, and otherwise being not quite what most people expect of a 40-something White Guy.

Alas, my succor is escaping to fantasy worlds and writing little bits of interesting things. But otherwise, I am not doing much of anything. My social life has diminished and I feel a bit of a hermit. My diet is passable — I get the fruit and veg — but also stuck in a rut. I am going… nowhere. As the Doctor says above, guilty of holding my world in a stasis.

Some has changed. I’m working on getting a podcast on, what else, Doctor Who up and running and I’m writing my days’ events in my battered yet reliable brown journal book. Maybe I can make this my online battered journal, yes?

Time was, I felt like I was an interesting person who could have had some adventures but out of fear, duties, and living to other people’s standard, I’ve lost the spark. I do what’s expected of me and the reflection is see in the mirror is a man tired and frustrated. Someone beaten down and feeling beaten. Alas, this is old news.

The new news, should there be any, may be told here. Stay tuned and keep your nose clean.

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2 thoughts on “I See Nuzzink!

  1. Brian, I wish I were as hip as you are, because we could then converse in the same language. I can only hope you can hear me as I speak in mine. After my car accident and a few other shifts in my life, my whole world view was changed, mostly, my view of myself. It is alarmingly difficult to look myself in the mirror and report to my brain something of any authenticity. The one thing that lost me the most self respect was my sudden inability to support myself. This was partly because I could no longer work the type of jobs nor the hours I could previously, and partly because the economy changed. I do not envy anyone trying to find an adequate job right now. But as to the depression, it does not allow you to want to learn new things. The struggle with each day is so great, there is nothing left. I see it as an appendage that I wish I could lop off, weighing more than I can carry, more than I can bear. Medication helps, and therapy helps, but it does not solve the problems we need to rise up and solve in our lives. I wish I knew the remedy. (Abilify really helped boost my antidepressent, but also gave me diabetes, so I can’t really recommend that.) Consider this: we are at a cross roads in time and reality. We are at a point in history that is unrivaled. If for no other reason but to try to make the world a better place for your children, WRITE. You are good at that, better than me. I have written post cards to the president. I have written to my congressmen and senators. It may or may not make a difference, but I am making the effort in the only way I can. I recognize my days of bearing torches and pitchforks are over. And I have paid dearly for making a stand, every time I have done so. Bring it on. I may not be able to stand the picket lines, or “spit in the face” of my community (as Jerry Springer said about Hail Mary), but I can make my small voice known. It’s my world too. And yours, if you can stand to participate in it. You may well choose to do differently than I have done, but I hope you still have the will to choose. Love and Hugs.

    • “I’m so hip, I have trouble seeing over my pelvis.” — Zaphod Beeblebrox. 😉

      I appreciate your words, Lisa. These last few years have been frustrating and I’ve been tempted on more than 1, 738 occasions to toss in my towel. But I don’t because that’s not the legacy I want to leave for my kids. That said, I don’t feel like the legacy I have, per se, is that incredible. And when I say “legacy”, I am not hoping to be famous or even infamous. Alas, I do divert to a tangent here, but even on the darkest of dark nights — many they’ve been — it never goes beyond a thought. I’m safe in that respect.

      What worries me, though, is that this is the best I will ever be.

      Yes, therapy and meds help but they only do so much if one doesn’t put things into actions and when the dark baboon is on my shoulder whispering bad thoughts, it’s hard to think of something different to do.

      Writing is all I got and I don’t do it consistently.

      Love you!

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