You’re feeling it. The dread. You’re feeling intensely lonely, even among people. You’re feeling the resentment of having to work a hard job for little pay, even less respect, and for what? Sore feet, achy hip, despair, loneliness, and so on.
You have a considerable amount of freedom that you’re not putting to good use. You’re also not enjoying the fact that there are people who like you and want to be around you. When you’re starved for actual physical touch, for hugs, to feel another’s love around you, and you find it really hard to ask for those things. You feel creepy, you feel awkward. They want to be around you but do they know you’re some poor schmuck starving for love? You’re having a hard time coping with it — that disconnected feeling, that alien being on a foreign planet. Let it out. Tell them. Tell everyone.
Before you write another mock suicide note, before you stress out those near and dear to you with yet another anxiety-riddled plea for any-fucking-thing resembling attention or love… Just stop. Bring yourself out of this. Allow your mind to breathe. Tonglen. Self-compassion. Please, you’re not doing yourself any favors by wallowing in this pain that you hold within yourself.
When you say it’s gonna happen “now”
well, when exactly do you mean?
see I’ve already waited too long
and all my hope is gone