Sorry for the lack of updates. I recently started a new job and I’m getting used to nre things like a schedule, showering on a regular basis, discipline, and wearing clothes that aren’t a sweatpants/Dr. Who and the Daleks t-shirt combo. It’s not a great job and it’s not a fun job but it is a job. It’s money in the pocket and it works for now. That’s all I’ll really say. Well, expect that yesterday was my first day on the cash register and it was a fucking nightmare. Nuff said, as Stan “The Man” would say.
I’m making a very determined effort now to make improvements in my life. My years of reelin’ and dealin’, as I like to call it, has taken quite a toll on me: I haven’t been writing creatively for the last few years, I’m out of shape, I’ve been determinedly anti-social, and I have held on to all of the negativity in my life for longer than I should. Welcome to Major Depression and General Anxiety. War is Hell.
For the last few years, I’ve been using the issues in my life — the Litany as I called it — as an identity. If you wanted to get to know me, you had to understand EVERYTHING about me. This really poisoned me and probably proved pretty toxic to several people that I’ve met over the last few years. In addition, it broke my self-confidence, not that I was ever really Captain Amazing but I did have swagger. (What’s with all of these military allusions? — Editor) (Hey, I was in the KISS Army for two years. — Brian) (That doesn’t count! — Ed.) (Shut up, you’re distracting me! — B.)
Not for nothing, I was hurt and completely feeling all of the rejections, real and perceived, that I had had in my recent life. If I met someone, they had to understand that 1) I was a really shitty person and that 2) I had some serious baggage that they may or may not have to deal with. I was carrying around a lot of back story, basically. I had what we fiction reading folks might consider a convoluted continuity.
To make a long story slightly more longer, I hit a realization that holding on to all of the bad shit that happened to (and because of) me was doing nothing towards getting past my Past. Sure, it matters but it doesn’t need to be what defines me.
Last time, I mentioned the concept of rebooting and cited both Marvel’s and DC’s recent CTRL+ALT+DEL to their retrospective comic lines. I’ve mentioned before that I’m a huge comic book fan* so the idea of doing a reboot on my life appeals to me greatly. It’s one of the reasons that I wiped my blog clean, as you know.
There is still a lot of forgiveness that I need to work on both outward and inward, and I know that very well. I don’t feel like I’m deluding myself in thinking that a new job and a new blog are going to replace Real, Honest, Hard Work. It is a start, though, and there are things that I want to accomplish in the next few years:
- I want to write more. It is the one thing that has always given me a feeling of accomplishment. While I’ve published almost 700 blog entries and written a few articles here and there for other sites, it’s important to me that I invest more time in writing beyond the blog page, as it were. Going back to writing short stories, maybe freelance a couple articles, publish, and self-publish are things that I want to do.
- I want to live healthier. Look, I know that I’ll never have the physique of Captain America or Chris Evans. Yet, that shouldn’t stop me from not living healthier, eating properly, and doing some exercising.
- I want to have more fun. Oddly enough, a lot of this is mental, or should I say judgemental. Instead of enjoying the moment, I’ve worried about how others are perceiving me. It’s not fun living like that and it also sucks the fun out of fun.
- I want to travel. I’ve been to maybe 20% of the states in this country. My international travel has consisted of a week-long trip to Toronto fifteen years ago. My mother, rest her soul, wanted to travel and never got the chance. There are places I want to go: Paris, Tokyo, the UK, Ireland, Italy.
- I want to continue learning. I want to relearn HTML and CSS, learn coding, absorb a Jacques Pepin techniques book, finally understand chemistry, biology, physics, and astronomy, read more
Are these all attainable? Are they realistic? I don’t know. What I do realize is that I’ve been using all of the stuff in my Past for an excuse of why I suck and sucky things happen. I don’t want to do that anymore. Yeah, I’m going to have setbacks. I’m going to have negative voices in my head. Hell, I could get hit by a bus or get cancer or whatever. What I would prefer is that I do the above and more in spite of any major or minor setbacks.
It’s going to be hard but sticking to it will be more rewarding. That I know.
* There will come a time when I’ll bring back some of the old blog posts, at least, the ones that I feel are relevant to the direction I want this new version of gonzarro to go.