Lose Your Shit, Rinse, Repeat

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This hasn’t been a very good few days for me. Admittedly, most of it is because I’ve been off of my medication for almost a week and I’ve just been too lazy, busy, non-plussed, whatever, to get them. This isn’t a good thing and I know it’s bad for me. Time won’t give me time, as Culture Club once opined.

Yeah, I quoted Culture Club. Sometimes, you just use the best pop culture reference you can find.

I’ve spazzed on someone that I like. That was wrong. It was over the line and I’m pretty sure I’ve created such an awkward situation that the friendship is probably destroyed.

Yesterday was a stressful day at work. Sometimes that happens but I don’t know if I handled the situation as efficiently or as efficacious (nay, magnanimously…) as I should have.

I feel rudderless, empty, and alone. It’s the loneliness that’s the worst part. It’s crippling. Even among a group of friends who are enjoying every bon mot that flows from my lips, I feel left out. You may not be able to tell from this blog but I have a very spontaneous, free-flowing sense of humor. Everyone says I should be a standup comedian. Then again, everyone says you shouldn’t wear white after Labor Day so what the fuck do they know?

Maybe I shut that shit down, or save it for the very few who completely understand me. I don’t know. I’m just throwing ideas and stuff out there.

I haven’t been taking very good care of myself. I smoke too much. My diet is mostly processed crap mixed with a mediocre dose of fruits and vegetables. I get some exercise through dancing but I know that what I’m doing right now isn’t the best thing for a 45 (almost 46) year old fella.

I see a therapist and it does help but even that seems like so much drudgery right now. For some reason, I am not getting up off the mat like a true and mighty warrior should. The layoff I had plus the breakup of my marriage and all of the other things that have happened. Maybe I just like being the victim. Or maybe this is what I get for thinking this Life Adulting is easy stuff.

My life is thus: work, commute via bus, and sequestering myself at home. I do have friends who try to coax me out and I appreciate that but then I look on that as some sort of enormous task that needs to be completed. Too much effort.

I’m beyond coasting through life right now. I’m not even sure if it’s coasting because I don’t feel like I’m showing up and I don’t really want to at times.

I look at the world and I mostly see pain and suffering. The Charleston shooting really shook me and I want to do something that helps. Call it white guilt, call it hoping we as a people — white, black, whatever amalgamation of ethnicity or nationalities we are — can figure this out and quick because it’s going to come back on us. We are living an unsustainable narrative in this country.

Equality is not a zero sum game.

Someone on Facebook just asked if anyone still believes in romantic love. Me? I responded…

I’ve given up on the notion of love, romantic or otherwise. It’s a shell game. It’s temporary and fleeting. Fuck all y’all hope dopes.

Yeah. Time to go offline.

Jesus fuck.

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