Feelings of loneliness and vulnerability have been slithering through my brain and what the kids call “The Feels.” However, I am dedicated to not letting those things consume me as they have before. It is colossal effort, but there are days — like today… this week… this month… maybe this whole year… — where I just cannot even muster the power to fake it till I make it. That’s a problem.
I’ll be 45 in about 36 days. As the years press on, I haven’t lost my overwhelming immaturity. “Immaturity keeps me young!” I’m agile for a big guy which I owe to dancing in night clubs in my youth and middle age (yes, kids, I still do that!). But in my current jobs, I’m on my feet constantly. My feet ache. My legs ache. My hip aches and makes mobility a challenge when it decides to just lock, as if my hip says, in a very Eddie Izzard voice, “Oh, fer fuck sake.” My shoulders are horrible from either an impingement or tear or something. Pain and weakness hang around my body like a couple of friends from high school that you never wanted to see again.
But it’s not all roses and champagne. I am in the process of reducing my negativity and opening towards positive being. I doubt it will expand my life, whiten my teeth, and leave not a speck of cereal, but I need to make a change in my thinking. It would be more healthy.
I suppose the word/concept that I am searching for is bliss but even that word isn’t exactly the term that I use. The closest I’ve come to describe this cloudy, nebulous journey towards complete contentment, idyllic hedonism, experience enhancing, mind expanding, and general all-around bon vivantism as Shaggletoth. The word encompasses the relaxing of tension and creating of enjoyment for me. Some may call it Nirvana or Enlightenment or being Saved but they don’t really accurately fit in the little mold I’ve created for such a feeling. I can say it entails some, none, or all of the following:
- Loving/romancing and being loved/romanced.
- A reduction of financial stress.
- Growing old disgracefully.
Perhaps, writing a list of things is helpful. I don’t know. I continue to make it all up as I go along.